Pasadena, CA: The Return Home
Returning to a place I called home…
In the fall of 2021, I had the chance go on a hiatus from Texas. I was still working remotely, but only part-time hours. The two years of working on various projects for two sites within Austin Parks and Recreation had yielded some amazing opportunities and results. I remember that as I worked to bring the garden project at the Carver Museum to a stopping point, I knew that I was getting close to a burn out. The blog posts you’ve seen until this point were apart of that trip. I think about all of the things you end up having to do just to “make it”. Sometimes you don’t realize how much of a toll its truly taking until your body, your mind, and your soul are screaming at you that it’s time to leave for a bit. The truth is, when I left Los Angeles I knew that I needed time just to process everything that did and didn’t happen. Sure enough before I knew it, I was rushing to get out to Austin to try to start over and then two and a half years later, I needed to come to grips with everything that happened and try to take a journey that would hopefully allow me to find meaning and healing.
I spent the majority of the time away from Texas in Northern California, but throughout the three month hiatus I returned to the scenes of my childhood and young adulthood with trips to both Seattle, WA and Southern California. There was no big announcement, no trying to see tons of people besides a few family members and friends. This was not a fun filled journey living it up like I used to when I lived in Pasadena. It was deeply introspective and emotional for several reasons. I didn’t necessarily leave Pasadena the way I had wanted to. At one point I never would’ve thought I would leave after finally returning in 2012. I believed that my life would finally unfold, and I had hope that everything was working out to some end. I believed that I would find a well paying job, start a career, or start a business and the rest would be history. I believed that one of those nights out searching across Los Angeles that I would meet my future wife. When I had to let that all go and move on in 2018, it felt like a part of me had died, and a part of me did.
It’s not good to move through life feeling like a ghost, but ever since I left, I felt like I was just simply wandering through existence. Not living and not having the highs and lows of a well lived life. Everything was either suffering or just existing in shades of gray. So when I finally had a chance to return, it was important to just be present in each moment and not have a huge agenda. I got to spend some quality time with one of my cousins and his partner, something that I’m grateful for, including their generous hospitality. I drove through the streets that I knew so well for six years. So much had changed, even though this was still the Pasadena that looked the same. In moments when you feel that a time has passed on, there’s a sadness to thinking about once was.
I spent a good bit of time around the iconic city hall building, walking, and photographing what I could that stood out to me. There was a wedding going on in the main courtyard, as well as other couples getting married at the courthouse. My love of photography has grown in what it means to capture a moment. It’s capturing a memory, that one day your mind may forget.
Directly across from city hall, are two giant bronze busts of Jackie Robinson and his brother Mack. The story of Jackie Robinson always had such an impact on me. While I lived in Pasadena and attended Pasadena City College, it always felt historic to be in the same places that shaped Jackie’s story. It was even more shocking when I realized his connection to Austin, Texas. His connection, not just to Austin, but to his mentor Karl Downs, who had a connection to my family and our Austin roots. It really is such a small world, and I stand in utter astonishment at the connections all around us. Having gained a deeper level of understanding of the stories of people’s lives and how they interconnect, I felt an even greater connection to this amazing story of a heroic figure.
Across the street, Colorado Blvd. to be exact, is the Paseo Mall. I worked at the Tommy Bahama store within the Paseo for almost two years following getting hired on for a holiday season. I spent a good bit of time here, but I was thankful that my limited career in retail was only part-time and towards the end was only a shift or two per week. I walked into the store, something I probably never would’ve done in years prior, but this trip was about returning to the past and coming to terms with it. No one I worked with those years ago were still at the store. Time marches on indeed.
After a few days hanging around the old stomping grounds, I went further south to visit my aunt and spend some time in Orange county. However, on my way back up the coast, I stopped in Pasadena again one last time to do some errands and take some more photos, this time at the iconic Rose Bowl.
I never spent a ton of time at the Rose Bowl while I lived in Pasadena, but when I did it was mostly to enjoy the adjacent park, and I believe early on in my six year stint I did the full walking loop around the stadium. I managed to stop by right at golden hour, as the sun was starting to dip below the ridge. It was a classic southern California sunset, palm tree silhouettes across the skyline, with the San Gabriel mountains in the background.
Years prior I shot a video leaving here once. In the video, a younger version of myself spoke about dreams, ideas, ways of staying motivated, and pursuing the life you wanted. I always wonder if the past version of ourselves knew what the journey ahead would bring and all of it’s high and lows, would we even attempt it. Sometimes I think there’s a reason why it’s a good thing we don’t know the future. So much can change in such a short time, and sometimes taking it one day at a time is how we get through the hardest times. Sometimes we have to hold on to our visions, dreams, and hopes, even if life has other things in store for us. Returning to the present moment, it was fitting to shoot another video, this time an older version of myself having a moment to reflect on what was, the things that didn’t come to pass, and returning to the place I once called home. In some ways, it was a chance to have a proper goodbye, one that was not possible when I left in haste in 2018. The sun setting made it clear, although I would remember the times and experiences I had in this great beautiful city, I could finally move on.
